Why do I feel shame within my family?




Our family of origin, unfortunately, can be a large source of shame in our lives. And it sounds like in your case, what is deeply painful is the same patterns keep reoccurring, the pattern between your mom and your brother. And this is why it’s so crucial to understand the emotion of shame and what triggers your shame. Because typically when we’re in shame, we just discharge on the people in our lives, which then create shame in them and then it creates this really negative cycle that repeats itself.

The part of working through shame resilience is being able to recognize your shame and being able to set boundaries with the people in your life by being vulnerable and saying, this hurts me and I can’t keep doing this same thing that hurts me. I love you. I want to have a relationship, but this same exchange hurts me. And oftentimes when we discharge and we blame, we’re really letting people off the hook and not really holding them accountable that this certain interaction is deeply hurting you, which it sounds like this repeating, reoccurring interaction is really deeply hurting you.

So what I would encourage you to do, this is a topic on really getting in touch with your shame narrative and what triggers that shame, what the emotion is, what the beliefs are, and then really drilling down to having an honest conversation about boundaries and what is okay and what is not okay, and being vulnerable, expressing that pain.

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