My husband and I recently sat down to discuss how we’ve been acting like cows these past few months. We had grown and healed so much the first year after disclosure. And then when our newest baby was born, I began to regress and struggle. As a result of my pulling away, he felt immense shame and was too afraid to approach me about it, which only strengthened my result to pull further away. It was a vicious cycle and that cycle was what led me to You Bloom, and already we’re feeling stronger and we feel like we have better direction to pick back up again in our marriage and my own personal healing. I’m glad that you’re experiencing that. He’s also reached back out to some of his support systems and continue his own personal healing work. Last night, we discussed what steps we should take if we notice cow like behavior in each other again. What kinds of ongoing questions and check-ins would you recommend us doing that one of us doesn’t slip into old patterns? And if we do slip, how can we protect our marriage in our own self so that we don’t both slip?
I think it’s a really interesting question because the question, it really is, how do we avoid going back? And I think if you can commit to regular check-ins, regular conversations, I’m feeling disconnected or I’m feeling this, then you’re dealing with it in the moment rather than letting it pent up to the point where there’s an explosion. So small conversations prevent big blowups. That’s one concept. And just say, let’s talk about this one or two or three times a week just to make sure that we’re checking in with each other. And if we are feeling that, then we’re going to take a deeper dive to understand what’s creating that. And that’s just a commitment to continuous effort in the relationship and that’s what I would recommend is we’re going to just commit to doing this consistently. And that would be a big thing.
The other part is if one of you feels yourself slipping, then acknowledge it. I feel like I’m pulling away or whatever that slip means to you guys. And then in that openness, I think you can have a very meaningful dialogue.