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Alright, this is what I frequently encountered. I can speak as calmly and honestly as possible and it doesn’t matter because he’s not in the same place emotionally. His defensiveness rises and I feel like, what is the point? So I keep my feelings to myself because it’s no use sharing with someone who’s not equipped to receive.
And then truth is that’s where he would need to do his work. Two people in recovery and healing, we are working towards having hard conversations. But if he’s not able to, your point is very important. I don’t know how to communicate with you would be my response. I don’t know what to say, because when I say it, it feels like we just get into a fight. And I don’t want to fight. Do you have any suggestions? Because I don’t feel safe coming closer to you when X, Y, Z has occurred. Any ideas? Because right now I don’t feel safe because of those things. And it feels like you just want to move on and just forget. But I don’t know how to do that without actions, without you hearing my pain. Those are the things that would help me.
That would just be an example but again, they need to deal with their shame so they can hold your pain. High shame, more anger. So we let the shame down and then they’re more likely to be less defensive.