What if the loves are losses?




The question is what if the loves are losses? First, I just want to speak to your pain. And when you said this is all hidden, and I don’t have friends or want friends anymore, I distance myself from my mom, everything is just too painful, you sound very much alone. And, I’m grateful that you are on this community because the things in your life, the friends in your life, like things in your life have changed. And it is so difficult when you meet that change with the pain that you feel, and you can see the difference.

And so I’m just, I’m so sorry for the pain that you’re feeling. And I would encourage you to continue to stay connected to at least this group of women that do know your pain and the reality of your experience. You’re saying other than just, can you help my perspective when it seems like everything I loved is tainted and I can’t love them anymore.

I remember that feeling of having been with my partner for 20 years and going through the losses feeling like if every, everything I loved across that 20 years, like were shared memories, how do I discard that? And you don’t. The truth is you don’t. If you had to remove every thing that you loved; music, trips, movies, songs you would be carving out such a huge part of your life, and you have to be able to hang on to what you do love about that time period, even though it’s met with a memory that is painful. Now, it sounds like that sounds impossible, right? How do I continue to love this certain band or love Hawaii or New York or a trip or a holiday? How do I love that? You create new memories, but you also, you sit in the pain that you experienced with the memory that you had. And then as you sit through it, you’re able to let it go and be able to create new memories based on the things that you love, but with new memories, intentional new memories.

I did a lot of grief work and that’s what I would really suggest. When you say I’m scared of even starting my list for fear I won’t stop. That’s where you need to start, and I do want you to know you’re not alone and to not keep yourself alone. Use this community, have a few people that no matter what you are real with, that you can be with. You’re not alone.

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