I like the idea of future casting and preparing for it. My husband took drugs during his porn sessions and really doesn’t remember anything he has done. When COVID settles, we have agreed to do a therapeutic full disclosure with polygraph. He is preparing the full disclosure in the meantime. I have a feeling that I will learn more that will be exceptionally painful due to things found on his computer. He is sober, he is in recovery, we’re working group and therapy, so he is in a good place. I worry when this storm arises, the full disclosure with polygraph, I will be set back to ground zero and have to start all over again. Is there a way to face the truth without it taking all the work on my recovery away?
I think my first response to you is actually this, if he’s in the recovery, if he’s in a different place, then him doing a full disclosure is actually a final cleansing of that to make sure that it is completely cleaned out. So in some ways it’s a positive experience, a positive thing that allows us to rebuild. I find that couples actually accelerate in the truth, and not that it’s not initially really painful, but I find that it accelerates it and eventually couples report, and this is research-based, that they’re glad that they did it.
So one of the things that you want to recognize as being prepared for this is yeah, it is going to be painful, whatever that is, but because he’s working recovery because he’s being truthful because he’s taking out the deception and the lies, it actually is better for the coupleship, because the truth is now coming forward. And there are no more secrets, you don’t have to worry that there’s things undisclosed. The best part of it is the truth is now coming out and acknowledging, owning the lies, the deceptions is a reparative part that’s very important. So I don’t think you’ll go all the way back. I do believe that emotionally, it will be difficult and traumatizing. But if he can stay present, if he can be aware of that, if he can acknowledge that then again, I think that it can really help your relationship because the truth is really coming out. And so yes, it’s going to be difficult and yes, you can prepare the best you can for that, but at the end of the day, I think that’s a good thing to do right now, if that makes sense.
One other thing I should say about that is, as he works on that, he’s going to continue learning about himself. So he’s going to be different. As people prepare to do a disclosure, it changes them because in some ways it can be very humbling and they can begin to realize, oh my goodness, I really messed up. And so you hopefully will see that their heart is softening as well, and that, again, can make this experience a little bit better because they’re not the same person that they were when they were acting out.