Long story short, his brain became addicted when he was 11 years old, we have already been through one episode of him becoming increasingly distant, angry, blaming, silent, and he then had an affair. We managed to get through that with talk therapy, that we were both very naive about. Meaning we should have gone for years instead of weeks. Fast forward to now it has been discovered that he is using porn now and has used porn constantly since the beginning of our marriage. He’s becoming again, distant, angry, blaming, silent, and I’m afraid of where this will lead again. He says he’s had intense anger toward me that he needs to have a mediator, a therapist, to discuss what it is about. All of his acting out that he is doing is because of these things he’s holding tight to and can’t express to me. He will not tell me. Question, when we’re sitting in front of this therapist and my husband starts to tell the person I’m not thin enough and I spend all of his money, this is what I truly believe he will be talking about, what is the best tactic to take? Do I just let him vent? Or do I agree since it is his perspective? Or do I stand up for myself? How do I handle myself in a therapist office? I don’t want to start world war three, I just want him to feel like he has gotten all out of this particular situation, so it can be resolved, whatever it is about. This therapist will only be our therapist through this particular situation. This will not be our eventual porn affair therapist.
I’m a little concerned if we’re going to be talking about whether you’re thin enough and whether you’re spending all the money. Is that the real issue? I think if I was the therapist there, I would say you’re angry at your wife so you’re justifying your porn use in your affairs. What are you really mad at? What are you really running from? What is the porn about in the first place? So I guess that’s how I would do it if I was a marital therapist.
But, of course, I’ve also been trained in sex addiction and I would want to assess your husband for his own behaviors. It feels to me that he’s distant, angry, blaming, silent, I would want to hear that, but I would also want him to understand that he needs to take responsibility for his behaviors and his anger. He’s blaming you. He’s angry at you. I wonder if he’s angry at some thing or some one else. I wonder if he’s carrying out some childhood anger on you. Some other story, I don’t know.
But if in therapist’s office he says she’s not thin enough or she spends all the money, so I would ask, so that means it’s okay to have an affair? To look at porn? And that’s what I would ask. The decision you have to make is whether you want to choose me or not. I’m a human and I care, but I do deserve to be treated with dignity. And there’s no excuse for breaking our marital vows, because an affair is saying that this is more important than me. Come talk to me. Why don’t you feel like you can talk to me? Those are questions I would want you to ask, even if it’s in a therapist office.