Feel angry and self-righteous, and don’t know how to change. When I watch the videos, I definitely see how being a Buffalo is good and addresses issues head on. But every time I think about my husband’s acting out with other women, which I had no idea about, I feel angry, scared, and to give him another change and self-righteous. The feeling of self-righteousness is really hard for me to shake. I’m not religious, but I have this deep sense that, at least in this circumstance, I’ve been wronged in it by letting him back in or entertaining the thought about rebuilding the relationship. I would be failing myself and my values that stops me from having the will to work on the relationship. It’s something I get stuck on all the time. How do I muster the will to be a Buffalo in this situation?
At this point I wonder, there’s something keeping you in the relationship, otherwise I think you would have pulled away. Maybe there’s something, and I would want to address what are those things that you’re saying I’m going to see. Now sometimes as we go through these experiences of betrayal and discovery and it’s just the whole process, it’s important that we stop and slow down long enough to make a decision. It feels to me like right now you’re in that phase. Like you’re reflecting, do I want to try to let him in? I don’t know if I want to even let him in. I don’t know if I want to try. Sometimes, what we call orienting, we stop and we pause and we reflect, how should I respond in this situation? And if you’re there, you’re already being a Buffalo just standing there. Remember, when the storm comes over the mountain, sometimes the Buffalo just stand there. That’s I think what you’re doing. Gather information, get the information, and over time you may determine, you know what, I’m angry. I don’t want to let him back in. But if you start seeing him do behaviors or things that are positive towards healing, towards relationship repair, if you start seeing those things, then maybe your mind will change. So sometimes we have to pause and reflect and observe and then make our decisions. That’s what I would suggest. Pause, reflect, and see what happens.
Now, if you’re going to be a Buffalo, you also have to give a voice to your anger. What am I feeling about myself? What is this driving this anger? What do I really need to say and how do I say it in the most effective way to get the outcome that I’m heard, and at least he understands? Now, this is not going to be an easy process for you to make this decision. But if you can at least get to the point where you’re listening to your inner voice, and saying, I feel what, what’s driving my anger, how do I communicate it, and do I want him back in or not? You may say I don’t. Leaving is also buffaloing up, cause it’s not easy. Staying isn’t easy. And that makes me angry. In a way it’s hard. So sometimes we reflect and we pause and we don’t push it, we just sit and pause. And then as we gather information, then we make the decisions based upon the data that’s coming in.