How can I recover from trauma with my partner in the past and not feel dismissive?




I understand how it feels dismissive to reality check. When you’re saying that really happened, are you asking us to Pollyanna and just pretend it didn’t? No, that’s not at all what I’m asking you to do.

And I remember this concept being taught by one of my professors about beliefs. And I remember feeling like it was confusing because it feels like you’re denying reality. What I want to tell you, the events did happen, whatever crappy horrible thing it was that happened, it happened. What is not true is your belief about what happened, your belief about yourself.

So the example I want to use; Did my husband have an affair with a woman 20 years younger than me? Yes, it happened. That happened. Is the belief I am not enough. Or is that belief, is that real? No. So I’m asking you not to reality check the facts. The fact is that event happened. I’m asking you to check the belief underlying what happened.

So, my husband had an affair, what does that say about me? What is your belief about yourself? Because I can guarantee that belief is not true. Whether it’s ‘I’m not enough’ or ‘I don’t matter’ or ‘I’m unimportant’ or ‘I’m unlovable’. Those beliefs aren’t true, even though the really horrible facts may be true that the event happened.

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