Can I ever forgive a betrayal that caused so much suffering?




It’s been six months since I discovered that my husband was heavily into pornography. I’ve moved out of our home and I’ve started to calm down with yoga, meditation, therapy, You Bloom. Going back to work on Wednesday, we started a new couples therapy session where we went through the story all over again. I felt like I was running into the storm, but the result is that everything is reactivated and I feel really devastated. Wondering if I can ever forgive the betrayal when facing or running into this storm creates so much suffering. What shall we do? Is it just necessary part of the process? I feel like this is never going to end.

You are running into the storm, you did the harder part. Sometimes the eye of the storm is when it’s the most difficult. We’re now trying to step back, and we’re trying to say, okay, now what? After a disclosure, after that, it usually is more difficult before it gets better. The reason why is because, now you have the details, you have the story. Now we have to let the dust settle and we have to make decisions with that information moving forward. Maybe it’s an impact letter that you write to him of how that’s influenced you. These are steps that we often take that enable us to move forward. It is more painful, the eye of the storm is more painful before the storm passes over us, and now it’s not as intense. It’s still raining, but the eye is moved through. That’s the metaphor we use. But this, the disclosure of that information didn’t do it. That was already a behavior that’s occurred. The truth is the painful part, now I know the truth, now I can make a decision without that, I don’t know how to make that decision. So I found that after a disclosure, it’s actually harder.

Now the question, is the truth on the table? Is my spouse working recovery? Are they willing to work on their healing? Are they willing to come towards the relationship by working on their own stuff so they can be present in the marriage and be accountable? Those are the questions that you may want to ask.

All right. Is it just a necessary part of the process? Yeah, the storm, you’ve just been through the eye of the storm. I hope it ends soon.

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